The waste rises up and bubbles in my stomach searching, pleading for a way out. I can feel it in my throat and that sick sour taste fills my mouth once again. A feeling I have become all to familiar with lately. however I swallow instead of spitting as a punishment for the sins I committed. There is no way out, if you fill your body with that retched trash than you have to deal with the consequences. I swallow again and can feel it moving throughout my body filling up the spaces between skin and bone. Stretching ever so tightly what should be left pure and untarnished. I think back to the incident wondering what could have possibly lead me to consume those Calories. Those sweet cookies, three two with fake mnms and one with chocolate chips. I tried to drown the voice in my head as I chomped faster and faster, trying to get them in before my mind caught up with my actions. Throwing the last bite away as though this made up for everything. “I didn’t eat the whole cookie. Right” Wrong. It’s time to pay. It wasn’t solely the cookies that did me in though, it was the plate of cheese ravioli and slice of pound cake following the accepted amount of raspberries I was allowing myself. Disgraceful. It seems even worse as I write it here. The incident happened more than 3 hours ago yet my mouth still fills up every so often reminding me of the treachery that had occurred. I just want to be empty. I want it more than words itself. This is the hardest part you know. Waiting for that empty feeling to return. The evil thoughts fill your head: “if you eat now you’re not ruining anything, you can just count it with what you had earlier.”, “It’s okay”, “EAT” ,”It’ll be fine, nothing bad will happen”, and  “What if I just go get an apple, thats not so bad. right?” Wrong. I have to fight them, I have to rebel against the voices and stay in my hut until they disappear. I have to stay here where it’s safe until a new voice comes. The one I yearn for. The one that tells me to go for a run and stay away from the dining hall, the one that tells me that I’m too fat and too worthless and to ugly. The one that helps me. It takes a while to find her, but when she comes things are so much easier. The hardest part is getting there. I haven’t truly heard her voice in quite a while. The exact reason why I’m sitting on my bed the size of an elephant weighing over 120 pounds. This time however I am determined. I will find her. I will wait until I can feel the emptiness inside me. I will wait until my stomach cries and begs for food and I will deny it that satisfaction. She will be happy with me then. She will see I am trying and she’ll come to help. She has to. I can’t live like this anymore. I won’t. 

for the next seven days I’m going to have 1 small plate of fruit and 1 small plate of vegetables today. Also at least 300 calories burned on machines plus whatever else is required daily. I will post my weight every day. Lets see how this goes!!!!!! There is no giving up and no cheating, I WILL do this!!!! 

2 week weigh in was good this morning, I reached one of my goal weights and now I’m 107.6!! whoo! However, I went to breakfast this morning thinking I was going to have a long day of classes that I needed energy for and I get back and find out its a snow day! Which is cool except that it means I’m just going to go back to sleep and let this food SIT in mee!! gAhfahderagrkhgaEHe;ghaei bleh, upset.

I feel so huge right now. This is such a problem, I’m not eating a lot so I just dont understand. UPSET

I need to get back under my low weight of 102. I looked so good then and was so happy, why did I let that slip away?! I have been restricting calories for ten days now with only one binge day. Today all I had was 3/4 of a slice of buttered toast, a salad with 0 cal dressing and pineapple. So today has gone pretty well. Lets see if I can keep it up. Just ten more pounds, I lost 6 in last week alone!

Height: 5’4”

CW:109

UGW:99